Another New Beginning

The guilt has already set in and “it” hasn’t even happened.  Today, Andrew

This block of time will help me feel a little more in control:organized.

This block of time will help me feel a little more in control:organized.

will start full days (8:15 am – 3:00 pm) at his school.  So, instead of driving to and from school 3 times, I’ll cut it down to two times.  It will offer me essentially seven uninterrupted hours each day.  From an organizational standpoint, it will be golden.  I will be able to workout and go to the store in addition to have some computer time without having to hop in the car to go get Drew and then do the nap routine and then get started with the ever-long, ever-expanding list of things I need and/or want to do.  Inevitably, the things I want to do get pushed farther and farther down the list to make room for the daily must-do list.

BUT, I already feel guilty about it.  Chase didn’t start full days until he was almost three!  I feel like I am pushing Andrew out the door and that he is going to feel like he is abandoned.  Nevermind the fact that when I do pick him up, he doesn’t want to leave.  He usually looks up from what he’s doing , says: “Hi Mommy!” and goes back to his activity.  And, I have him full time Friday through Monday.  Plus, we have music class on Monday mornings and swim class on Mondays and Wednesdays.  We get quite a bit of one on one time.  It’s not like I’m sending him to boarding school.  Although, sometimes that doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

I know that with this new schedule, I will feel more accomplished and put together because I will be taking advantage of the most productive time of the day for me: 10am-1pm.  It has always been the most creative, focused and productive block of time during my day.  I have a list of things that I’m going to do:

– find a clock fixer

– use Photoshop to watermark pictures for my brother’s website

– write thank you notes from Andrew’s birthday

– start on a list of things to do prior to entering law school:

1. Master bluebooking

2. Familiarize myself with legal writing

3.  Familiarize myself with legal research

4.  Read cases

5.  Brief cases

6.  Outline Cases

7.  Oh, and Study for the LSAT

-organize and file all of our photos

The list goes on and on and on.  There is this weight of unfinished business on my shoulders.  I feel like this is my chance to really get my shite together.  Over the last couple of months I feel like the cliche of taking one step forward and two steps back.  As soon as I feel like I can sit down and get some stuff done, I get sick or the boys get sick and I lose sleep and when Drew is down for a nap, I need to take a nap just to get through the rest of the day.

The list of things I have to do is overwhelming.

The list of things I have to do is overwhelming.

I know he’ll do well, I just can’t help but feel guilty.  Many of my other friends still have their older kiddos doing half days of school.  Their little ones haven’t been out of their care.  I know I can’t compare my reality with theirs but its hard not to judge myself and what I feel is my inability to handle all of the things that come along with parenthood.

We are blessed with the ability to have help, and send the boys to a wonderful school.  In that regard I am very comfortable with the fact that by doing this, I will be a better mom.  I will be more present when I am with Chase and Andrew.  Isn’t that what we all want?

Siggy-Q

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