Another New Beginning

The guilt has already set in and “it” hasn’t even happened.  Today, Andrew

This block of time will help me feel a little more in control:organized.

This block of time will help me feel a little more in control:organized.

will start full days (8:15 am – 3:00 pm) at his school.  So, instead of driving to and from school 3 times, I’ll cut it down to two times.  It will offer me essentially seven uninterrupted hours each day.  From an organizational standpoint, it will be golden.  I will be able to workout and go to the store in addition to have some computer time without having to hop in the car to go get Drew and then do the nap routine and then get started with the ever-long, ever-expanding list of things I need and/or want to do.  Inevitably, the things I want to do get pushed farther and farther down the list to make room for the daily must-do list.

BUT, I already feel guilty about it.  Chase didn’t start full days until he was almost three!  I feel like I am pushing Andrew out the door and that he is going to feel like he is abandoned.  Nevermind the fact that when I do pick him up, he doesn’t want to leave.  He usually looks up from what he’s doing , says: “Hi Mommy!” and goes back to his activity.  And, I have him full time Friday through Monday.  Plus, we have music class on Monday mornings and swim class on Mondays and Wednesdays.  We get quite a bit of one on one time.  It’s not like I’m sending him to boarding school.  Although, sometimes that doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

I know that with this new schedule, I will feel more accomplished and put together because I will be taking advantage of the most productive time of the day for me: 10am-1pm.  It has always been the most creative, focused and productive block of time during my day.  I have a list of things that I’m going to do:

– find a clock fixer

– use Photoshop to watermark pictures for my brother’s website

– write thank you notes from Andrew’s birthday

– start on a list of things to do prior to entering law school:

1. Master bluebooking

2. Familiarize myself with legal writing

3.  Familiarize myself with legal research

4.  Read cases

5.  Brief cases

6.  Outline Cases

7.  Oh, and Study for the LSAT

-organize and file all of our photos

The list goes on and on and on.  There is this weight of unfinished business on my shoulders.  I feel like this is my chance to really get my shite together.  Over the last couple of months I feel like the cliche of taking one step forward and two steps back.  As soon as I feel like I can sit down and get some stuff done, I get sick or the boys get sick and I lose sleep and when Drew is down for a nap, I need to take a nap just to get through the rest of the day.

The list of things I have to do is overwhelming.

The list of things I have to do is overwhelming.

I know he’ll do well, I just can’t help but feel guilty.  Many of my other friends still have their older kiddos doing half days of school.  Their little ones haven’t been out of their care.  I know I can’t compare my reality with theirs but its hard not to judge myself and what I feel is my inability to handle all of the things that come along with parenthood.

We are blessed with the ability to have help, and send the boys to a wonderful school.  In that regard I am very comfortable with the fact that by doing this, I will be a better mom.  I will be more present when I am with Chase and Andrew.  Isn’t that what we all want?


So Far, Yet So Close

My lovely cousin Diana and her husband Milan just had their first baby, a girl, two weeks ago.
Diana created a group in Facebook that included family and friends (since she and Milan are in Chicago and so many of us are not). We were able to

I look forward to taking the boys on roller coasters…someday.

I look forward to taking the boys on roller coasters…someday.

follow their progress and toward the end, we were able to post our predictions on stats of the birth. FYI- baby girl is healthy and happy and parents are glistening in the usual newborn bliss.
I feel like I am not so far away from that reality.  Reading all of their posts takes me back to two years ago when Drew-Brew was born. Now that he is almost two…and we are done having kiddos, I feel we are closing a chapter and beginning a new one. We just switched Drew to the front facing car seat…and he is so happy.

When Ryan’s cousin was here, I gave her all of the gender neutral gear I could. We have a lightened load. Though I loved experiencing the baby stages with both of the boys, I am so happy to have kiddos who can walk, talk, and wipe themselves…oh wait. Chase says he’s not going to wipe himself until he’s 5. Drew on the other hand wants to do everything himself. “Mommy! Do it self!…Got it!”
This weekend, Chase and I are going my niece’s wedding. Ryan wants to convert Andrew’s crib to the toddler bed option…we’ll see how that goes. I have a feeling that we will have a bit of a challenge keeping Drew in his bed. Does anyone have some duct tape I could use?
I’m also debating switching Drew’s schedule from 4-5 half days to 3 full days. It is no additional cost and it would not only save me a trip in the middle of the day but it would also give me an uninterrupted block of time during the day to work on projects, weekly menus, clean etc.  The mommy guilt inevitably creeps in my mind each time I start to think about it.  Part of the reasoning behind putting Andrew in a program was to allow me some time to myself  (Along with the other reasons: socialization and moving on from having a nanny to just a regular sitter).  I feel guilty because we didn’t put Chase in a play school until he was 2.5.  I feel like I’m shoving Andrew out the door.  He loves it though.  To make myself feel better, I signed us up for a Music Together class on Mondays.  We haven’t taken a class since we left Santa Fe.  This will give us some good one on one time right?

In a year, Andrew will be going to school full time.  I feel like this is a countdown to the end of babies and the beginning of the next phase of parenthood.  Next stop: roller coasters!


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